


Inside the Trashcan

by kremlin



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas, MAAS Sarah J. - Works, Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Throne of Glass Fusion, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, I Blame Tumblr, Inspired By Tumblr, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-06 13:07:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13411896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kremlin/pseuds/kremlin
Summary: What if Nesta was one of us? Looking at Tumblr during bathroom breaks, reading smut in public with a straight face, being absolute trash for her favorite ship and secretly writing fanfic?





	1. Nesta

Nesta slammed the door shut behind her, not bothering to announce her arrival. She was sure, she had been heard. By now, her sisters had learned to guess her mood by how hard she slammed the front door when returning home. Today’s door slam was somewhere between  _I’m pissed as hell_  and  _I’m pissed, but you can still talk to me_.

Just as Nesta was dropping her keys into a little dish by the door and began taking off her shoes, Feyre poked her head out of the kitchen.

“Hey! Who pissed you off today?”

Nesta scoffed and stowed her heels away in the shoe cupboard. “You mean, who didn’t?”

Nesta was currently working as an intern in a big law firm, and she absolutely loathed everything about it – the other interns, her colleagues, her superiors, the work. Every day fueled her determination to never ever veer into corporate law once she graduated. No, she would go into tort law to tear those bastards apart, taking them down. Or family law, to whoop ass and lock away all those deplorables, who made their partners and children suffer. But graduation was still some way off.

Sighing, she turned to Feyre and took in her sister’s workout attire. “You off to train?” she asked.

Feyre nodded eagerly. “Yeah, I have a session with Cassian today, and afterwards he’s taking me to Rhys’ for dinner. I’ll be staying over.”

Nesta nodded and tried to hide her disgust. She didn’t particularly like Feyre’s boyfriend Rhys. He wasn’t a bad guy per se, Nesta just disliked him on principle, because he was dating her baby sister. Well, at least he seemed to treat her better than her last boyfriend. But Cassian, Nesta absolutely despised. Feyre had met him during a self-defense class, Nesta and Elain had secretly signed her up for, after the tool she had broken up with wouldn’t leave her alone. Cassian was the instructor and somehow Feyre and he had become quick friends, even more so, when he had introduced her to his brother Rhys, who Feyre had immediately fallen in love with. Cassian was every bit the bird brained, boasting jock type Nesta hated with a passion, and would love to push from their 4th story balcony every time he was over. Which was way too often for Nesta’s taste. But that guy just kept popping up at least once or twice a week, hanging out with Feyre and annoying the fuck out of Nesta. Somehow, she had caught his interest and now he wouldn’t leave her alone, trying to impress her with his stupid muscles and shit-eating grins, which totally didn’t work on Nesta. Nope. Not at all! She absolutely didn’t imagine how it felt, being held by those strong, muscled arms, or maybe even picked up and carried towards her bedroom…

“Well,” Nesta said, clearing her throat. “Have fun!”

“Thanks. Bye Nes! See you tomorrow!” Feyre smiled a knowing little smile - she knew of Nesta’s aversion against Cassian - and whirled past her, her ponytail swinging wildly while she dashed out the door, probably already late for their lesson.

Nesta waited all but 10 seconds, before she dropped her mask, dashed to her room, stripping out of her business clothes as fast as she could with a mad grin on her face. What no one, not even her sisters, knew, was that Nesta was a huge fangirl and deeply into the Throne of Glass fandom on Tumblr. It was almost, as if she was leading a secret life on the side. She pretended to be tough and fierce on the outside, but in fact, she was a huge softy and could cry over books like other people did at their parent’s funeral.

 _A whole night to herself!_  With Feyre sleeping over at her boyfriend’s and Elain away on an excursion with her botany class, digging out flowers and grass Cauldron knew where, she could spend the whole night finishing the latest chapter of her fanfic piece on Manorian! And tomorrow was Saturday, so she could write well into the night, too. With that internship of hers and due to keeping her hobby a secret from her sisters, Nesta didn’t get to write as much anymore. She still tried to squeeze in a few minutes of writing every day, mostly while she was riding the bus to work or during her lunch break, typing her drafts out on her cellphone, but she didn’t get as much work done as she liked.

With a practiced twist of her wrist, Nesta gathered her long, carefully coiffured hair and formed a bun at the top of her head, securing it with a random pencil lying at her desk. She took out her best snuggly hoodie and leggings and, grabbing her laptop, got comfortable on her bed. Riding home earlier, she had had the perfect idea for the continuation of her story, and her fingers were itching to type it out. With an excited grin, Nesta cracked her fingers and began to write.

~

Nesta was exhausted and bleary eyed, but it had been worth it. She had managed to finish the chapter that was long overdue and had proofread it, until the words swam together and started dancing on the screen. She probably missed a lot of typos, but she was determined to upload it today. People had been asking for the next part for weeks now.

After another 30 minutes of editing, Nesta had successfully updated her masterlist and uploaded the new chapter, tagging an impressive amount of followers and mutuals. Letting herself flop onto her back, she let her breath exhale with a great whoosh.

Nesta loved the feeling just after she had posted another fanfic on her blog. The little rush when she pressed publish, seeing it show up on her feed, relaxation and exhaustion hitting her full force, but also the giddy anticipation of how long it would take for someone to respond. There was nothing like it!

It took barely 5 minutes, before she heard a telltale  _swoosh_ , indicating she had a message.

Abraxos-wingspan:  _Omg, omg, omg, you updated <3 ! <3 ! <3 !_

Abraxos-wingspan:  _I’ll read right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Nesta smiled. Abraxos-wingspan was her most loyal follower and had been around from the first posted fic on. Nesta and her spend a lot of time messaging each other. She was somehow always online. Nesta wondered, not for the first time, what time zone she was in, seeing that it was now 3am.

raging-like-wildfire:  _Thx babe! Sry to keep u waitin. hope you like it!_

Nesta wanted to wait around for Abraxos-wingspan’s verdict, but she was deadly tired. Deciding she could read her notifications tomorrow, she closed her laptop and shimmied under the blanket. She was asleep the second her head hit the pillow.

Abraxos-wingspan:  _Like…wow… and then they… WOW!_

Nesta smiled into her phone and adjusted her position on the couch. Feyre threw her an inquisitive look, but didn’t comment. She probably was afraid she would puke when she opened her mouth. Things had gone wild at Rhys’ place apparently, and Feyre had crawled home around 3pm, still sporting an impressive hangover. They were currently hanging out on their couch, watching movies on Netflix, but Nesta kept getting distracted by messaging.

raging-like-wildfire:  _aaaaaaaahhhhw! Ur too sweet!_

Really, nothing was as rewarding as people telling her directly how much they liked her stuff. It almost made her forget her shitty work and the stress she had at school. A happy smile spread on Nesta’s face.

Abraxos-wingspan:  _No really, that scene in the abandoned castle? Steamy! Had me all kinds of exited tonight. I reread it this morning, still had me exited. Dorian is such a kinky little shit!_

Nesta chuckled as she typed her reply. If Abraxos-wingspan had read her fic right after Nesta had uploaded it and had read it again in the morning, she might be in a similar time zone than Nesta, possibly even the same. The thought somehow appealed to her.

raging-like-wildfire:  _I really wanted to write a beach scene tho, but I was too afraid it would be too similar to the Rowaelin scene from EoS, yanno?_

Abraxos-wingspan:  _Ahhh, thank god u didn’t. I actually don’t dig that scene all that much. Whenever I reread it, I just think_ sand in the transmission  _and then the mood is off._

Sand in the transmission? Oh, she meant… Nesta felt the heat rise to her cheeks. It was embarrassing, but Nesta didn’t have any experience when it came to sex. In all her life, she had all but one boyfriend, and she hadn’t even liked him that much, so they hadn’t ventured beyond kissing. To her, that particular scene had sounded romantic and perfect, she hadn’t given much thought about the technicalities of sex on a beach.

“Boyfriend?”

Nesta’s head snapped up and she looked at the carcass next to her that used to be her sister. “Huh?”

Feyre wearily motioned towards Nesta’s phone. Nesta stiffened as panic flooded her. She couldn’t admit that she was chatting with a friend, gushing over a book series and her own (sexy) fantasies regarding said book series. And saying she was chatting with a friend didn’t work either, because Nesta  _didn’t have_  friends. None that her sisters knew of. But inventing a boyfriend could potentially lead to her nosy sisters demanding to meet him. Nesta was sweating.

“Uhh, yeah, no. Don’t know?” she stammered, too confused to come up with an elaborate excuse.

Astonishingly, Feyre was content with that answer and gave her a faint smile, before turning back to the TV.  _Huh._

raging-like-wildfire:  _actually never thought of that._

raging-like-wildfire:  _Btw, my sister thinks ur my bf, because I keep writing you while we’re watching a movie._ _She doesn’t know I’m active on tumblr._

Abraxos-wingspan:  _Ohhhhh! You can call me your boyfriend anytime, love  ;)_

Abraxos-wingspan:  _My family can’t know either. They’ll mock me to no end, if they know what a big softie I am. The part in QoS with Wesley’s letter? Has me crying every damn time._

raging-like-wildfire:  _I know, right!!!!!!!!! I love Lysandra. So brave, yet broken._

Abraxos-wingspan:  _YES!!!! EXACTLY!!! U sure I can’t be your bf for real?!_

Nesta laughed heartily at the joke, startling a snoozing Feyre awake, who threw her a dirty look and shifted around to get comfortable again.

raging-like-wildfire:  _Right! Let’s date a random stranger on the internet! Sorry hon._

Abraxos-wingspan:  _Would you meet me though, if you could?_

Nesta’s thumb paused over her screen.  _Would she?_  I mean, they had been talking for months now, but she didn’t knew her name or anything remotely personal about Abraxos-wingspan. And for all that she thought she knew about her, she might be a psycho or a potential serial killer. Talking anonymously over the internet was one thing, but meeting a stranger? Then again, what was the difference to meeting someone in a bar and meeting them online?  _Visual factors of course,_  she chided herself. You could estimate another’s behavior and motifs better when you saw them. You couldn’t do that online.

raging-like-wildfire:  _I dunno tbh. We don’t exactly know each other, right?_

Nesta was waiting for a reply, but none came. She was sad, but her and her sisters’ experiences had taught her to be cautious, even if the other person was a girl. There was no gender to violence and abuse.

She was about to put down her phone, when it vibrated with another message.

Abraxos-wingspan:  _So what do you wanna know?_

_~_

Nesta nervously tucked away a strand of hair behind her ear and eyed herself in the storefront window of the shop next to the cafè, where she would meet up with Abraxos-wingspan.

She had chosen a simple, deep-burgundy dress with a modest neckline and long sleeves, that flared out at her waist like a skater skirt and hung to her mid-thighs. Paired with sheer tights and combat boots, it was a nice, but simple outfit. Nesta had pulled half of her hair in a bun at the top of her head and let the rest fall in soft waves down her shoulders and back. Her only jewelry was a golden amulet, that nestled between her breasts and looked deceptively similar to how she imagined the Eye of Elena to be. It was her tell, the mark by which Abraxos-wingspan was supposed to recognize her. Abraxos-wingspan, in turn, would be wearing an amulet that was supposed to look like the Amulet of Orynth.

The past two weeks, they had been sharing a lot of personal information between them and Nesta had found out, that they not only lived in the same city, but they were also really similar character wise. Like they pretended to be tough, when - in reality - they were not. And they talked a lot about their fears of being abandonment and rejection. Her friend, it seemed, had been adopted, and although her current family was loving and cherished her very much, she was left deeply scarred by her past. Nesta, too, never admitted it, but her mother’s death and her father’s neglect towards her and her sisters following it had hurt her deeply and forced her to shove down her feelings, making her appear cold and uncaring when she was anything but.

The only way Nesta allowed herself to feel was reading books. She devoured them, pouring every bit of her emotion into the characters, feeling them, bleeding with them, being happy and excited with them.

Nesta loved nothing more than to feel and smell the paper of a freshly printed copy, or the dry, musty smell of old and well-loved spines. But she couldn’t risk her sisters finding out, that, during the last year, Nesta had spiraled down into the world of young adult novels, crying, giggling and panting heavily while reading them. So she had bought herself an e-reader and mastered the art of keeping a straight face when reading smutty scenes in public. Only the fluffy one’s still had her battling with her face muscles. It was impossible not to smile or near-squeal reading a cute scene. To finally meet a person, a friend, she could talk about such things with had her unholy excited.

Nesta took a shaky breath trying to calm her nerves. She sure hoped she liked Abraxos-wingspan. Talking online was one thing, but what if she didn’t like her attitude in real life? Or worse, what if she didn’t like Nesta, because Nesta wouldn’t be able to get over her defense mechanism and be a bitch? Nesta was dearly afraid of that possibility. She had finally found a friend, she didn’t want to mess it up.

“Nesta?”

Nesta turned her head sideways to the source of the voice that had spoken her name and groaned at the sight of the person standing before her.

“Go away Cassian. I don’t have time for you,” she said in her usual clipped manner.

But Cassian merely grinned at her in that infuriation way of his.  _Infuriating, but sexy_. Nesta mentally slapped herself. No, she would not be going there. She didn’t like him. Not at all!

“Got a date? Who’s the lucky guy?” he drawled.

Nesta turned more fully towards him and stood glaring at him, hands on her hips. “None of your business. Now fuck off,” she snapped.

But Cassian’s gaze slid down her body to her chest and stayed there, a weird expression flashing over his face. Nesta couldn’t believe it. The audacity!

“Would you stop ogling my boobs, you creep?” Nesta hissed, crossing her arms over her chest.

Blinking, Cassian raised his eyes again to her face, but his shit-eating grin was gone. If anything, he looked slightly panicked. “Raging-like-wildfire?”, he asked in a brittle voice.

Nesta felt like she had been slapped. “What did you say?”

“Are you raging-like-wildfire?” he repeated flatly.

All air left her lungs. _No, no, no!_ He couldn’t be -

But there, dangling from his muscular chest, nicely contrasted against the black tee shirt he was wearing, hung a round cerulean disk portraying a white stag - the Amulet of Orynth.


	2. Cassian

The first time Cassian had seen Nesta Archeron, he had felt like someone had slapped him in the face. Hard. She was aloof, cold, terrifying, devastatingly beautiful and totally out of his league. And that was exactly why he had been pining for her – because he knew nothing would come out of it. This way, he never would have to commit to a serious relationship. This way, he wouldn’t need to fear her cheating on him, falling out of love with him, abandoning him.

The second time Cassian had seen Nesta Archeron, she  _had_  actually slapped him in the face. Despite being petite as she was, it had hurt considerably. And turned him on like nothing ever else had. He didn’t know what he had said to earn it – oh, he had earned it, no doubt, he knew he had a potty mouth – but it strengthened his resolve to fall in love with this woman, because he was convinced he could never have her.

Cassian had been an unwanted child. He barely remembered his mother, a crack addict, who couldn’t be bothered with the child that she had somehow gotten pregnant with – probably an accident. He never knew his father.

When he was around 8, his mother died of an overdose, and Cassian was taken into an orphanage. He hated it and the people running the facility hated him. So he spent a lot of time outside, wandering the streets, hanging out on the playground by himself.

This was where he met Rhys for the first time. The little brat had studied his shabby clothes and dragged him home with him, but not before Cassian had roughed him up a bit. Rhys’ mother had taken one look at his then scrawny figure and declared, he was to stay with them from then on. It had been the most wonderful time of his live, growing up in that family. A mother that cared, a brother to shove around and a little sister to dote on. In the same year Cassian had been adopted, their mother had taken in another boy, Azriel, and Cassian had gained one more brother.

Yet, somehow, all the while living with his lovely, warm new family, Cassian felt like he didn’t deserve this life, and that somehow, things would go horribly go wrong at some point.

And then his mother, this shining light in his life, died – again. Cassian and his brothers were left behind, barely into adulthood, their little sister having her life stolen in the same car crash that killed their mother. Their death nurtured Cassian’s fear of abandonment and his conviction to never make a long-term commitment.

It was all for naught anyways.

The only commitment Cassian allowed himself to make, were books. In books, he found the solace and the emotional attachment he needed and craved. He might’ve appeared to be a tough cookie on the outside, but he was simply a scared and scarred little boy, who had been forced to grow up too soon and who feared to be left behind again. Cassian played the muscled, brutish quipster for all the world to see, but in secret, he was just a giant cinnamon roll. Reading books, he could escape that role for a bit and imagine to be someone else.

He felt especially drawn to the book series Throne of Glass, because he could relate so well to the characters and their traumas. Aedion was basically his alter ego. Cassian saw much of himself in the orphaned warrior, that relied on his brute strength and superficial attachment to cope with life, his cousin the only fixture in his life.

When he stumbled over the fandom on tumblr, he finally found a place to act out on his feelings and gush over fictional characters and his favorite ships.

And then he had found her: raging-like-wildfire. The fanfiction she wrote tugged at his heartstrings, spoke to the deepest, saddest, most broken parts of his soul and lifted him up at the same time. She understood him completely, because she was the same as him. Right after the first fic she had posted, he had written her and kept writing her ever since. They had never shared any personal information, but the discussions they had about books and their characters had made him feel connected to her in a special way.

Cassian had been perfectly content that way, pining for Nesta Archeron, catching glimpses of her and riling her up whenever possible, just because he loved the way her eyes sparkled and her cheeks flushed when she was angry; his craving for emotional closeness being taken care of by his fandom and his tumblr friends, with raging-like-wildfire leading the way.

Or that was, until she dropped that boyfriend comment. It had been a peculiar weekend. Cassian had spent his Friday evening training with Feyre, and afterwards they’d gone to Rhys’ for a family dinner. They had gotten completely trashed and despite himself, Cassian found himself longing for someone, a real person to hold close, to kiss and snuggle and  _love._ Like his brother and Feyre had that evening, too drunk to control their PDA in front of him for once. Feyre, whose hair and eyes were so similar to her sister’s, that Cassian had felt a pang in his heart, wishing that he really could have Nesta Archeron – not only as a fantasy to indulge in, or a conquest to make, but as someone to love and care for.

He had gone to bed in a sullen mood, unhappy with his situation and about to go to sleep, when a new notification from his favorite raging-like-wildfire had shown up on his phone. After dire weeks without an upload on her latest fic, she had finally graced him with a new chapter in his darkest hour. Cauldron, he loved her! Although he had been tired and drunk, he had written her immediately, thanking her for the update and set to read. And after he had woken up in the morning, he had read her chapter again. It was everything he had needed. And he let her know.

But then she had dropped that boyfriend comment and for once, he hadn’t been thinking about Nesta Archeron, but about the person on the other end of that chat, that person, who understood him so deeply on an emotional level. A person he wanted to get to know all of a sudden.

So they had started to exchange personal information. Cassian was overjoyed to find they were living in the same city and suddenly, he was determined to meet that person and maybe make a real live commitment. Whether as friends or more was left to be seen. The day raging-like-wildfire had agreed to meet with him, he had been so out of it, Feyre had whooped his ass in training. On the day of their date, he had been so nervous, he had been afraid he would be sick on the way to the little café where they had agreed to meet.

This was when he had seen her standing there - Nesta Archeron, wet dream come to life, temptation and downfall disguised in the body of a nymph. And although he was about to meet his raging-like-wildfire, he could withstand they damned woman's toxic allure. So he had taunted and teased her like usual, until his gaze dropped on the golden amulet nestled between her gorgeous breasts. The tell, the amulet she has promised to wear.

This time, it didn’t feel like he’d been slapped, it felt like someone had viciously kneed him in the balls. All air left his lungs and a sickening weakness shot up from his knees through his body, as if his nervous system decided to conduct an emergency shutdown.  _No, no - yes!_

“Would you stop ogling my boobs, you creep?” Nesta hissed, crossing her arms before her chest.

Cassian raised his eyes again to her face, trying to control his breathing. “Raging-like-wildfire?”, he asked in a brittle voice.

Nesta stilled. “What did you say?”

“Are you raging-like-wildfire?” he repeated flatly.

Her gaze slid down his chest, where his own tell, his rendition of the Amulet of Orynth, hung. He had his confirmation when she blanched and her steel-grey eyes widened in recognition and realization.  _It was her!_ Who else would name herself raging-like-wildfire, but the spitfire, the tempest that was Nesta Archeron. This was a nightmare. And a dream. The woman he was attracted to and the friend he felt an emotional attachment towards were the same person.

Wild joy coursed through him and a shy smile spread on his lips, as he dared to step closer.

“Ne -”

Without another word, she spun on her heel and walked away, leaving him standing on the sidewalk with a half-raised arm outstretched towards her. Cassian was so shocked, he could only watch the one person he was willing to open up and commit to, the woman he believed to be in love with, abandoning him - like they always had. Like they always did.

~

“What’s going on with you?” Feyre panted, wiping the sweat off her brow with the sleeve of her thermal shirt.

Cassian frowned up at her from the ground, where she had just thrown him with a move he had taught her. She was getting ridiculously good. “What do you mean?”

“That’s twice now I’ve handed you your ass in training,” Feyre declared, holding out a hand to help him stand up. “Date gone wrong?”

Cassian flinched and avoided her gaze. “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Feyre snorted and went to fetch her water bottle. “Oh please. We know you had a date. Last training session, you were all dazed and absent-minded, enough for me to whoop your ass. And Rhys told me, the next day you went out, wearing nice clothes and  _jewelry_.” She threw him a sly glance while she took a swig of her water. “He claimed you even combed your hair for once. And when you came back not even an hour later, you were in a mood and have been ever since.”

Damn her and his nosy brother.

Cassian  _had_  been in a mood ever since Nesta Archeron violently trampled his delicate feelings. He wasn’t the brooding type, but this time, he couldn’t help himself. After Nesta had stormed off, it had taken him full 15 minutes to process the shock enough to be able to walk home, where he didn’t leave his room for the remainder of the weekend. The way she had behaved had fed into his greatest fear -  to be left alone, to be abandoned, because he was not good enough. It had thoroughly wrecked him.

But then, he had remembered that she was not only Nesta Archeron, but also raging-like-wildfire, the soft-hearted, timid girl, that was afraid of feeling too much. Pushing away people and shoving down feelings was her way to cope; just as much as joking and frolicking was Cassian’s. So Cassian had spent a few hours that night rereading all their chats, trying to make sense of the two people he thought he knew and that had turned out to be the same person.

And then he had written her. He had left her dozens of messages on tumblr, begging, pleading her to talk with him, to figure out their situation. He still wanted her, as a friend and lover, now more than ever. But she wouldn’t respond. Nesta had gone silent on him. She still was active on tumblr, he saw her liking and reblogging stuff as usual, but she wouldn’t respond to his messages. He didn’t dare approach her via asks or in posts though, because their situation was nobody’s business and he knew for sure, dragging their fight - or whatever it was they had - into the public was the quickest way to get her to never talk with him again.

“Cass, hello! You there?”

Cassian blinked and focused his gaze on Feyre, who kept wiggling her fingers in front of his face. He must have blanked out momentarily, lost in his thoughts.

“Uhm, right, sorry. What were we talking about?” he asked.

Feyre studied his face carefully. She looked worried. “I was asking, whether your date had gone wrong. I think I know the answer to that, tho. Do you wanna talk about it?” she asked.

Cassian stared at his friend, completely at a loss. He wanted to tell her, really wanted to. But he couldn’t. Nesta would never forgive him about spilling her secrets to her sister. And there was no way he could explain what happened without mentioning Nesta or outing them both as acolytes of the ToG fandom.

“She never showed up,” he said instead. He hated lying straight to Feyre’s face, but he couldn’t tell her. And then a thought struck him. “I ran into Nesta instead. And we… had a little misunderstanding and I think she was pretty pissed about it. Was she upset, when she came home on Saturday?”

Feyre sighed. “Well, Nesta is always pissed, kinda. To varying degrees. But this week has been especially bad. She won’t even talk to me and Elain.”

Cassian felt his stomach drop all the way to the floor. He wanted to lie down and join it. No wonder she wasn’t replying, if she didn’t even talk to her sisters. Finding out he was Abraxos-wingspan must have been a huge shock to her, especially considering she didn’t particularly seem to like him. Just because he had been excited to find out his tumblr friend was her, didn’t necessarily mean she felt the same. 

But he just couldn’t keep away. Not if there was even be the slightest chance he could make things right with her. Cassian wanted his friend back. And he wanted his girl.

“Fey, can I ask a favor of you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, I know this turned out to be super angsty and I apologize. I started writing it and then I got sad thinking about Cassian's feelings and how he must have felt being abandoned and, well...
> 
> I'll make it up to you in part 3, I swear!!!!!!!!!!


	3. Nesta again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Contains spoilers for EoS (Throne of Glass series)

Ever since that cursed meeting last Saturday, Nesta felt miserable. Tomorrow it would be one week since she'd turned on her heel and never looked back. Abraxos-wingspan - no  _Cassian_  - had been writing her on tumblr, begging her to talk to him, but she couldn’t. The hurt sat too deep.

For one week, Nesta had done what she did best - ignored her feelings and shoved them deep, deep down. Instead of dealing with her thoughts, she had poured all her energy and focus into her work and escaped into the world of books when she returned home. But somehow reading couldn’t take off her mind of Cassian and their  ~~fateful~~  meeting.

Whenever she read her favorite ships having a special, charged moment, her mind wandered to the oversized brute and the way he had started smiling before she had stormed off. He had looked - happy? Hopeful?  _That’s because he was happy to find out it was you! And so were you_ , a nagging voice hissed from a distant corner of her mind. Nesta told it to shut up.

She still hung around on tumblr, but it wasn’t the same anymore. Every time she saw Cassian’s avatar or URL show up, her gut twisted painfully and her heart gave a pang. It took her almost half a week to realize, that what she was feeling was not anger, but sadness. She was sad to have lost a friend. She had, hadn’t she. She would never be able to look at Cassian or Abraxos-wingspan the same way again. Especially, because he now had started calling her Nesta. Every new message felt like a blow to her stomach. Only, her heart started fluttering at the same time. Nesta didn’t know what to make of it.

She couldn’t ask her sisters, because then she had to explain her secret hobby. And how the hell should she even begin to explain she was upset about her relationship with Cassian?  _Cassian_ , for Cauldron’s sake!

The whole last week, she had tried to bring the topic up with her sisters, but when she was actually looking into their faces and attempted to speak, her nerves had failed her. Instead, she had stared them down, until they thought, Nesta was just in her usual pissy mood and left her alone. Nesta had even tried to vent to some of her other tumblr friends, but none of them were Abraxos-wingspan. No one understood her like she - he did.

So right now, almost a whole week later, Nesta was lying on her bed, allowing herself to feel for the first time in a long while, all attempts of distracting herself abandoned. And boy, she felt like shit. She was ashamed at how she had handled things, lonely, because she missed her best friend, and angry at herself for not hearing him out. She was at the verge of tears, when she heard a knock at the door.

“Go away,” she choked out, her throat raw and tight from unshed tears.

But Elain or Feyre kept knocking.

Irritated, Nesta got up and walked towards the door. She was allowing herself to search her emotions for once. Couldn’t they let her do that in peace?

Nesta practically ripped the door open. “I said -”

The rest of the sentence got stuck in her throat, because standing before her, fist raised as if he was about to knock again, stood Cassian.

Nesta gasped in surprise and her heart jumped right to her throat, blocking it further. She stared at him in utter silence.

_What was he doing here?_

Slowly, he let his hand fall to his side, and swallowed visibly, his Adam’s apple bobbing. And then, he smiled. Not his cocky shit-eating grin, but the same shy smile he had given her last week. It made him look different, all soft and - _cute_.

“Nesta,” he said quietly in greeting.

Nesta had a peculiar feeling, like something was squeezing her chest tightly. With utmost horror, she realized she was happy to see him. So she instantly went into emergency bitch mode.

“What do you want?” she snarled. “How did you even get inside?”

Cassian’s smile grew bleak, but he didn’t back down.

“I asked Feyre to bring me around after training. I wanted to talk about our… little misunderstanding the other day. And since you never replied to my messages…” Nesta saw a flash of hurt in his eyes.

“I didn’t reply, because I don’t want to talk to you,” she hissed.

This time, Cassian  _did_  flinch. Nesta never hated herself more than in this moment. But she couldn’t help herself. Behaving like a complete bitch and snapping at him was the only way she knew how to deal with a situation like this. She couldn’t suddenly make a 180° turn in her behavior. She didn’t know how to.

“I know that’s not true. I know you, Nesta. Or more like, I know raging-lik-”

“Will you shut up!” she hissed in a low voice and dragged him into her room.

Feyre was probably somewhere, eavesdropping. There was no way she wouldn’t stick her nose into Nesta’s business. Not if it involved Cassian. Shutting the door with some force to let Feyre know that she was not welcome, Nesta turned to find Cassian seizing up her room.  _There was a guy. Cassian. In her room._ Heat crept into Nesta’s cheeks.

“Huh,” he said.

“What?” Nesta asked.

He turned to her and smiled that soft smile again. Smiling like this at her should be forbidden.

“Somehow, I thought you would have more books,” he explained, shrugging his shoulders.

“E-reader,” Nesta ground out. “Can’t have them find out about my YA stash.”

Cassian’s soft smile suddenly turned into a bright, dazzling thing of pure beauty. Had she been a vampire, Nesta would’ve been a pile of ashes looking at it directly. She didn’t know he could smile like that. It made her weak in the knees.

“What?” she asked.

“This is the first time you sounded like yourself. Well, like ragi-”

“Would you please stop saying that name! Feyre might hear you!” she squeaked in panic.

“Oh. Sorry,” he mumbled guiltily.

Uncomfortable silence stretched between them. Nesta didn’t know what to talk about and neither did Cassian, it seemed. He ran a hand through his hair, looking anywhere but at her.

“Look,” he began after a while. “I know this situation is weird, and it probably would have been a lot easier, if we aren’t who we are, but fact is, I miss you, okay? You are that one person I have, that I can talk to. I don’t want to lose that. Or you, for that matter.” He cast her a quick glance out if the corner of his eyes.

Nesta thought she might faint. How was he able to say such embarrassing things to her face?

“And, if I’m completely honest, I’m glad you turned out to be you… because… because I like you, Nesta Archeron. Even before I knew, who you were.”

Nesta’s breathing hitched. And then she fainted for real.

~

“Nesta. Nes? Talk to me, sweetheart.” Cassian’s voice sounded worried.  _Cassian?_

Nesta tore her eyes open. Indeed, Cassian’s face was hovering over her, looking panic-stricken.

“What happened?” Nesta asked in a flat voice. She was in shock.

“What happened? I told you, I liked you, and you fainted, that’s what happened. Can you sit?”

Slowly, Nesta raised herself off the ground with Cassian’s help. He led her to her bed and she sat down, with Cassian sitting down next to her. She only noticed he was firmly holding both of her hands in his, when he let go of one of them to gently brush away some hairs from her face and cup her cheek. He turned her face to his. Nesta let it happen. She was catatonic.

“That much of a shock?” he asked softly.

Nesta stared wordlessly back into his eyes. They were a beautiful hazel color, a soft brown with flecks of green. She had never noticed them before.  _Beautiful. He is so beautiful. And he likes me_.

This thought, finally, snapped Nesta back to attention.

She hastily let go of his hand and stood up, hugging herself and rubbing her arms to get the blood flowing. The shock had left her shivering.

“Ok, you should go now. And you need to stop talking. Or else…”

“Or else what?” Cassian cocked an eyebrow at her.

“Or else there won’t be any updates on my Manorian fic for a while!” she threatened.

All blood drained from Cassian’s face. “You can’t be serious!” he whispered, face aghast. “You can’t do that to me!”

Nesta blinked at him in surprise. Was he serious? She meant it more as an empty threat than anything, she surely didn’t expect him to have such a big reaction to it.

Cassian rubbed his face with his hands, and huffed a breath. “Ok, I’ll leave. But please, can we meet up somewhere and talk?” he pleaded. “Take as much time as you need, I’m willing to wait, but don’t… don’t leave me behind.”

_Oh my god_. What had she done. She  _knew_ how afraid he was of being abandoned. And she had done exactly that when she had walked away last week. Nesta opened her mouth to apologize, but she only managed a strange, strangled sound.

Cassian threw her a last look and got up, leaving quickly without another word.  _Idiot._  She was such an idiot.

“Cassian!” Nesta blurted out hurrying after him. He was already at the front door. “Tomorrow! I’ll send you the details,” Nesta declared.

She was rewarded with one of his shy smiles. “Okay,” he said. And then he was gone.

Nesta stared at the door he had just disappeared through.

“Seriously, anyone care to explain what’s going on?”

Nesta whirled around to find Feyre and Elain standing in the doorway to their living room, looking curious.

“Since when are you and Cassian being all friendly with each other?” Feyre asked.  “And what was that misunderstanding about ,that both of you were moping for a week?”

Nesta stared at her sisters. If she was to survive her meeting with Cassian tomorrow, she needed backup. She needed good old-fashioned girls talk. She needed her sisters. And that meant coming clean about her fandom ways.

“How much wine do we have?” Nesta asked, defeated.

~

Nesta’s head was still pounding, when she opened the door to the diner she was meeting with Cassian the next day.

Last night, she had told her sisters about everything – well most of it. She had told them, she was really into this one book series (masterfully avoiding to mention all evening which series exactly) and that she spent a lot of time in an online book club talking about the books, where she had met Cassian, not knowing it was him.

“And you freaked out and moped around a week, because?” Feyre had finally asked.

Nesta had had no answer to that. It was Elain, who had pointed it out for them.

“Because she likes Cassian, but can’t or won’t admit it to herself,” she had said, like it wasn’t a huge revelation or anything.

Feyre and Nesta had both stared at her in disbelief.

Elain had just smiled and continued, delicately swirling her wineglass. 

“I mean, come on, how could you now see it. Whenever Cassian’s around, Nesta finds an excuse to walk into the living room or Feyre’s room, because he’s there. If you’d despise him, like you always claim, Nesta, you’d just stay out of his path. And he likes you, too. That’s why he teases you so much all the time.”

“What are you, a seer? A psychic? How do you know that stuff?” Feyre had asked incredulous.

Elain had smiled sweetly. “I just watch. It’s super obvious.”

Feyre turned to Nesta. “So basically, you’re an idiot?” 

Nesta had had nothing to add, nor to deny.

After that, they had downed several bottles of wine and Nesta had begrudgingly accepted the possibility, that she might have a thing for Cassian.

Now, sliding in the chair opposite to a nervously awaiting Cassian, who held onto a mug of coffee like his life depended on it, she begrudgingly accepted that it was not only a possibility, but highly likely she had a thing for him.

“Hey,” he said with that new shy smile of his.

Nesta hated how much she liked it. Liked him.

“Hey,” she responded. “Listen - “

Just then, she was interrupted by the waitress. Nesta ordered plain coffee to get rid of her and waited until she got it, before she attempted to speak again.

“I talked with my sisters yesterday. About us,” she began.

Cassian’s elbow slipped of the table and he spilled himself with coffee. Swearing colorfully, he wiped at the stains now adorning his jeans with some paper napkins he hastily ripped out of the holder on their table.

“You did?” he asked when he had taken care of most of the mess, his voice a higher pitch than usual. “And what did you tell them?”

“That we’re in some kind of online book club – don’t worry, I didn’t mention ToG or tumblr. And that we met online, but didn’t knew we actually knew each other. That we found out last Saturday.”

Cassian cleared his throat. “And what did they say?”

Nesta clenched her hands into fists and took a deep breath. Now or never.

“That I was an idiot. That you obviously like me. And that I like you, too.”

A slow, beatific smile was spreading on his face. “And do you? Like me, I mean.”

Nesta scoffed.  _Yes._  “No.”

That quick, his shit-eating grin was plastered on his face and Nesta was instantly relieved. They were back to normal behavior. Or, well, to what seemed normal to them.

“I adore you too, Nes,” he drawled. “Does that mean, we’re friends again?

“I wasn’t friend with Cassian to begin with, but for Abraxos-wingspan, I’ll make an exemption,” Nesta said graciously.

“Girlfriend?”

“Now you’re getting ahead of yourself!” she denied.

Cassian simply ignored her. “Ok, but does you being my girlfriend mean, I get early releases on your Manorian fic? I love that stuff so much, I can’t even!” he admitted.

“No. You won’t. I’m not your girlfriend and even if I were, you’d have to wait like everyone else. And let me be absolutely clear about one thing.” She put down her mug and stared him down. “I might write a Manorian piece right now, but I’m actually absolute trash for Lysaedion!”

Cassian sucked in a sharp breath.

“I am going to marry you,” he declared, his shit-eating grin deepening. “I’ll be generous and let you pick when, even if it’s ten years from now. Or twenty. But one day, you are going to be my wife.”

“Did you just propose quoting Aedion from EoS?” Nesta asked incredulous, narrowing her eyes at him. She was offended - and immensely flattered.

Cassian shrugged, his eyes brimming with mirth. “How else am I supposed to propose to a fangirl?”

“Never!”

“Fine, we’ll date first. But I  _am_  gonna marry you, woman!”

Nesta snorted a laugh and drained the last of her coffee before throwing some bills on the table.

“Goodbye, Cassian,” she said, standing up.

“Aw, come on, Nes. You’re Lysaedion trash, I’m Lysaedion trash, we’re living inside the same trashcan! We’re perfect for each other!” he said, following her out of the diner.

Nesta didn’t deign to respond, but kept marching on.

“I mean, just imagine it: a Throne of Glass themed wedding - because, really, that’s what’s missing in the series - a real nice, big wedding!” he blabbered on.

A ToG-themed wedding actually sounded pretty nice, Nesta decided. If they fashioned the wedding cake after the Glass Castle, Nesta would get the chance to destroy it when cutting the cake. Or maybe flambéing it?

“And afterwards, we’re gonna make the cutest, fattest babies, naming them Aelin, Lysandra, Evangeline…

“No way I’m naming my daughter Aelin. What if she turns out to be a hellion like the real one? And why is it all girls?” Nesta interrupted.

Cassian grinned wildly and slipped his hand in hers – the hand she had left dangling free at her side - totally unintentional of course.

“Fine. No Aelin then,” he continued. “And we can have boys, if we must. But I want my own cute Evangeline, especially if she’s got your hair color! And a dog named Fleetfoot. Oh, and maybe a kitten we can name Abraxos?” he proposed.

Nesta snorted again. “Please, everything with claws is bound to be named Manon!”

Cassian flashed her a dazzling smile she didn’t return, but her heart started beating a bit faster.  _Damn him!_ _Why did he have to be so handsome!?!_

“You know,” he said, making her stop on the sidewalk and turn towards him. “I love you. I am in love with you, Nesta. I have been for a while. And I know there are limits to what you can give me, and I know you might need time—”

“Would you stop with the quotes!” she hissed, unable to prevent the blush staining her cheeks pink. She couldn’t help but feel happy about this ridiculous talk they were having. And about his ridiculous confession. 

“Ah, but else am I supposed to confess? I mean, if the proposal was a quote the confession has to be, too,” he declared smugly.

Nesta bristled. “You don’t confess! You don’t propose!” she snapped, but Cassian merely shook his head, still smiling.

“Ah,” his eyes twinkled mischievously, “but where would be the fun in that?”

Nesta wanted to scratch his face off, or maybe rip his throat out with her teeth; but most of all, she wanted to kiss this irritating, infuriating, hulking beefcake.

Gripping his shirt, she roughly pulled Cassian down to her level, their faces centimeters apart, breaths mingling. Nesta glared at him for good measure.

“Then act away, Prince,” she snarled.

With a feral grin, that had her heart pounding in her chest, he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it. I hope, you liked it?  
> Leave your comments below :D
> 
> I wrote some kind of short epilogue, not a text, but some loosely connected ideas. You can check them out here: https://howtotameyourillyrian.tumblr.com/post/169611442190/inside-the-trashcan-epilogue-headcanon
> 
> As always, thanks so much for reading.  
> Come play with me on tumblr @howtotameyourillyrian


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